My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
