Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
