Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
