next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
