nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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