rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
