we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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