U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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