Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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