I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
