I just pynch a tree in the face
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
