I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
