just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
