Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
