I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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