Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
