My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
