just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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