There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
