The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
