i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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