Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
