Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
