Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
