I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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