The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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