I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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