I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
