He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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