I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
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