he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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