Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize