i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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