I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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