Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
