You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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