I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
His nipple licking is glorious
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