I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
