I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
We need to get me chipped asap
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
