When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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