Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
