He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
you inspire me to be a worse person
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
