I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
