stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
this hospital has no fireball
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
