Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
