I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
