she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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