margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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