I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just invented taco cereal.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
