he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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