my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Shitshow foam night was such a success
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
