the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
