I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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