Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
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