Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
