Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
