FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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