Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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