I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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