So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
