Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
