her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize