my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
